Father's Day - Part II

Nelly, Mr Fink and I popped over to see Nanny and Shouty Grandad, seeing as it is Father's Day and all.
We found him in the conservatory with his leg propped up on a cushion and a silly grin on his face.
"What have you done?" we asked.
It is Shouty Grandad's occasional treat to cycle down to the local pub and have a couple of pints with his buddies on a Friday night.
Last Friday he took out his trusty bike (with jaunty England flag tie wrapped the the handlebars), was within sight of the pub when, CRASH, he was hit by a car.
Luckily, Shouty Grandad was going slow, wearing a helmet and the car was pulling out of a T junction across his path, so low speed. Shouty Grandad was unseated, thrown over the bonnet and landed tangled in his bike on the tarmac. The police and a precautionary ambulance were called. Details were exchanged, the ambulance team decided to take Shouty Grandad to hospital 'just in case'. Did they take him to the hospital in his home town? No. Did they take him to the next nearest one? No, due to cut backs, neither of these hospitals take ambulance cases any more. they carted him off to the hospital nearest the busiest motorways and roads in the country. It took them ages to get there (but there was no rush as Shouty Grandad was not in any health danger).
He was checked out, x-rayed and eventually released as fit all be it with nasty grazes (he was wearing shorts) and bruises. he now found himself 10 miles from home at 8pm. He didn't want to tell Nanny where he was in case she got upset (she doesn't drive anyway) so he decided to get on a bus (took an hour to come) then hopped on the local train, got off near home.....then went to the pub and watched the end of the England game and had his pint after all!
He was in fine spirits when we saw him and apparently no lasting damage. Dads eh? what can you do?

Fugitive

http://www.herts.police.uk/hertfordshire_constabulary/latest_news/news_articles/150612_-_0315.aspx

Oh dear, that looks a bit like Shouty Grandad....has he finally gone too far?!! (and he drives a vehicle that takes diesel.

Use the door next time?

Shouty Grandad noticed an advert in the paper. Free loft insulation. He invited the chap round to do a survey and a couple of days later the gang came round to fit the fibreglass insulation.
The lads commented on how lovely and roomy the loft was, how nicely Shouty Grandad had moved all the boxes into the middle of the loft on the boards. He left them to it, sat down and tried to make the Freeview work....again...after I fixed it. (sigh)
CRUNCH - one of the workmen put his foot through the living room ceiling, right over where Shouty Grandad was sitting. Dust, plaster, artex and fibreglass rained down from the hole.
"You couldn't have picked a worse place to come through." advised Shouty grandad, the largest room and the only one with an artex pattern on the ceiling.
"I'm fine." shouted the workman.
Anyway, they extricated the workman from the ceiling, assessed the damage and called the boss who duly arrived and stared at the hole.
"Doesn't look too bad," said the foreman confidently,"a bit of plaster board, paint and artex, sorted."
"I don't think we'll get the fibreglass out of the carpet or the three piece suite though, do you?" asked Shouty Grandad?
Nanny gave him an old fashioned look and wandered off to get the hoover.
After the workmen had gone, Shouty Grandad phoned me at work to ask if i would look up on the internet, the effect of breathing in fibreglass. I assured him he did not have, nor would be able to claim for asbestosis and went back to work.
You know this story will run and run.

Shouty Grandad Goes Shopping

Shouty Grandad has bought a laptop and is waiting for broadband to be connected to Chez Shouty.
After months and months of comparing broadband suppliers, tormenting companies for the best deal, he settled on one and signed up, guided by the patient hand of Mr Fink (resident nerd).
The next step was to purchase a laptop. Shouty Grandad knows the limits of his knowledge so he asked Mr Fink to recommend a machine. The Finks checked out the computers locally, found a suitable one and passed the details on the Shouty Grandad. He went to the shop, had a look and said he wasn't sure about having a white laptop. White? The one we looked at was black? Weird. It transpires he was at his local branch (15 miles away) and they only had a white version. DOH!
Last night Mr Fink bravely went with Shouty Grandad to the computer shop to buy the laptop. Shouty Grandad has already planned their attack to obtain maximum discount. The plan was for Shouty Grandad and Little Fink to go and speak to the sales assistant, the premise was that Little Fink had birthday money (not quite enough to buy the model Shouty Grandad wanted) and Grandad would appeal to the assistant's softer side to get the price down for the poor wee girl, Nelly was to sniff and cry if required. Meanwhile Mr Fink was to wait by the door and appear to be in a rush, to add pressure to the seller.
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.
Nelly refused to take part in the subterfuge.
Mr Fink and Shouty Grandad went on their own, on entering the shop the sales assistant commented of 2 strapping chaps coming in, to which Shouty Grandad replied, "We're wrestlers....a tag team."
Mr Fink (could have said) "Yes, this is Kendo Nagasaki (famous 70's wrestler known for his wrestling mask), now you know why he wore a mask!"
The upshot of the outing was a lovely new laptop with a £5 discount, Shouty Grandad's comment to this paltry sum...."You can't even buy a bag of chips for a fiver!"

Look out world, Nanny and Shouty Grandad are coming online!

Happy Birthday Shouty Grandad

Me, Nanny and Shouty Grandad at Butlins, Ayr. circa 1976.

Today is Shouty Grandad's birthday. Nelly and I spent a lovely evening with him and Nanny, listening to him recounting all the dreadful things he used to get up to as a child. He grew up in a small village in Cumbria, where the fells meet the sea. The main industries were iron ore mining and farming.

He told us about his time at school, where, after having been to work on the farm and then out all night, up to mischief with his friends, he would get up after just a few hours sleep, wander into school, still covered in mud, cow muck and heaven knows what from their adventures. The teacher would walk in, sniff the air, locate Shouty Grandad and send him outside to clean his boots. Often he would spend all morning outside just mooching about, such was the teacher's indifference to children who chose not to learn.

He told us about the huge bell tent the boys used to put up on the 'Bankin' (an out of the way spot) in about March, capable of sleeping 20 people, it used to be there till September and the boys would sleep there if they had got themselves into hot water - to let the father cool off a bit before heading home. they would nick eggs, beans, beans, anything they could get hold of, set a fire by the tent and have a feed, boys being boys this would often get out of hand and the tent would be covered in, 'fried egg, boiled egg, beans, everything'.

He told us about the time he and his mates had played some awful prank on Mrs Cloudsdale (sister-in-law of uncle John?), she legged it after the boys, Shouty Grandad ran into his back garden where his saintly younger brother was just entering the outside lav. As Mrs Cloudsdale rounded the corner she heard the latch click in the lav, she put two and two together, yanked open the door, grabbed the 'culprit' off the toilet, spanked him soundly, then shoved him back in the toilet, satisfied that justice had been administered.

He tells of filling a dustbin with water and mud, leaning it up against the teachers home front door, knocking the knocker and running away - hilarity ensued.

He also described times when, after finishing work at the farm (after school) they would try to catch a carthorse to ride around, hitch to a sled and zoom down the snowy fells. Take a tin bath, used for watering the cattle, set it on the beck that ran through the farm and see how far they could get before the bath tipped over and they all got soaked then headed off to a barn or the woods and lit a fire to get dry.

He also recounted an occasion when he was working at the farm, bags and bags of seed potatoes had been delivered. These needed to be individually set in compost with 'eyes to the sky, roots to the earth'. It was very boring work, case after case of heavy mud and potatoes, several boys working in a couple of rooms that had been knocked together. You can imagine that boys will get bored after a time, then someone had the bright idea to switch the lights off and have a spud fight. Taters flying across the room, hitting heads, faces, body shots. No way they could shout out in pain, a sure fire way to get buzzed by 20 more potatoes. Then when the farmer came out to investigate the ruckus, they would quickly try to tidy up. The farmer could not have been fooled by the bloody noses and squashed potatoes all over the place.

I love listening to my dad tell tales of his misspent youth, he can make the pictures come alive with his gestures and language. I can imagine him being a bully and a rascal and a pain to the teachers. I'm glad to know him and proud to call him my dad (just don't tell him i said so, OK!). xxx

Happy Birthday Shouty Grandad. xxx

Bargain

Went to visit Nanny and Shouty Grandad this afternoon. Recently they had a small porch and new front door added to their house. The original door is still in situ, it provides good insulation and security. However, when they are tucked up in the front room watching the telly, they can't hear the door knocker.
I knocked and knocked and knocked, no answer. In the end I had to phone them to get them to come open the door. If they don't get a door bell fitted to the external door, I have threatened to poke a stick through the letterbox and press the old doorbell at odd times in the morning.

When I finally got inside, Shouty Grandad relayed his tale of a bargain - he rode the bus twelve miles to the nearest Aldi for their cheap coffee offer. He bought a couple of packets and was very pleased with himself....until he got home and read the packet - it is ground coffee. Dad doesn't own a percolator or cafeterie.

In other news, he is trying to cure a cough he has had for ages, he has this idea that you need to have moisture in centrally heated homes and has always had Betterware water reservoirs hung on the radiators. He felt he needed more moisture while he slept so, while mum was out shopping, he filled a bowl of water with the intention of placing it out of the way on top of the wardrobe. They have 2 wardrobes  with a dressing table in between, he reached up to place the bowl centrally above the dressing table, as he pushed it to the back, near the wall, he found out the joining part of the top of the unit didn't go all the way to the back. As he pushed the bowl back, it tipped and emptied all down the back of the wardrobe. While he was drying the carpet under the wardrobe with the hairdryer, he thought he'd got away with telling anyone about his adventure but luckily for us Nanny arrived home just in time to find Shouty Grandad kneeling on the bedroom floor blow drying the carpet. Perfect.

A Peaceful and Happy New Year to you all!

Wow, didn't that come and go fast?

Christmas Eve was spent with The Glums, wonderful food by Mrs Glum, great home movies by Bambi (Mr Glum). the most amazing surprise came when the glums insisted (as they do) that we open each other's gifts on the spot. Mr Fink and I were handed a long package. We looked at each other in puzzlement, this gift was about 2 metres long by half a metre wide???? as we unwrapped it, we realised what it was. (In the blog entry, "you can take the girl out of Colney" - you will remember Mr Fink and I went to a junk emporium, while there we spotted the most beautiful paining of a lady in a red velvet dress reclining, we both fell in love with it but couldn't quite justify spending the money just before Xmas, so reluctantly we left it there. We mentioned this in passing to The Glums' the next day and thought no more of it. The next day Nelly and I went back to the junk shop to get the picture for Mr Fink but it had gone. Doh!) The Glums had visited the shop early the next day and bought it for us. We were speechless, what a lovely gift. Thank you!

On Xmas Day, Mr Fink, Nelly (aka Little Fink) and I spent a wonderful day with my parents, Nanny and Shouty Grandad. Shouty Grandad spent most of the day looking for The Scotch Tape (a cassette of bagpipe music with which he tortures Nelly in the campervan) and for the campervan keys. The sight of him alternately looking worried and then smiling at the annoyance of knowing the keys are in the house but "Where?", was very funny to watch and had me giggling all morning.
In the end the keys were located in one of the many hiding places he has for items of value (you've heard the one about him stashing the holiday money in his going out shoes, forgetting and being crippled all night at a party due to ten pound notes taking him down a few shoe sizes?)
We shared gifts, swapped stories and generally had a lovely morning.
We had the best dinner ever, Heston eat your heart out. Mum, you are the best.
After dinner we played the now traditional round of homemade Deal or no Deal, which can be a bit of a trial unless Shouty Grandad is losing, then it gets really funny. Nelly made a Christmas quiz for us, this year it was boys v girls and nanny and I won! Woo Hoo - we didn't brag tooooooo much.

Mr Fink has made himself a digital jukebox, which he is enjoying playing with. 2 days ago I went to collect a pasta maker from a Freecycler and got a puncture in Mr Fink's car. Yesterday I took Nelly horseriding, Marsha was also there, Marsha's horse reared up and bucked her off. Bambi and I though we were going to have to call an ambulance for her but after a few minutes she seemed ok and has suffered no damage, thankfully. (ALWAYS wear your hat and body protector if you are playing with horses.)

It's now New Year's Eve, I received a phone call this morning from my bank, checking the validity of a purchase I apparently tried to make yesterday, £291 to Emu-Oz's Party Shop in Australia. I agreed with the lady from the bank that it was not me trying to buy £300 worth of party gear just after Xmas, so they declined the transaction and stopped my card. Well done to the bank for monitoring my buying patterns and preventing a fraud I probably wouldn't have picked up till my next pay day.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow and our traditional 'fish and chips on the beach' new Year's Day with the Glums, Southend, here we come!

Well, may I wish you all peace and good wishes for the coming year, may it find and leave you in good health, good spirits and with the people you love. xxx

That's NOT funny!

Little Fink and I watching the telly, advert for Alzheimers awareness, "Are you worried about someone might be suffering from dementia?"
A little voice pipes up, "Shouty Grandad!"
TV, "Are you losing someone you love?"
"Not losing him, more like giving him away!"

Cue monumental laughing fit by both of us.

I Don't Believe It!

The great haul of China: Woman climbs 70ft wall... just to dodge £2.50 castle admission fee - oh hang on a minute - I think it's Shouty Grandad saving a few quid again!

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2046504/Woman-climbs-70ft-wall--just-dodge-2-50-castle-admission-fee.html#ixzz1a7ddGbVb

The World Keep on Turning

They tell us autumn has arrived, well I agree it's certainly on it's way.

Earlier in the week we remembered the passing of Mr Fink's mum who has now been gone a whole year - doesn't seem possible.
The three of us enjoyed a lovely bike ride (power assisted in mine and Mr Fink's case) down a disused railway line - apparently you don't forget how to ride a bike, but something must happen as I was scared witless for some of the time by the speed we were going!
'Meet The Tutor' at Little Fink's school was encouraging - all good reports about her from her form tutor. She has been picked to attend a special reward weekend in March for continuous effort in PE and she will be a 'tour guide' for the upcoming open evening at school.
On Saturday we journeyed to Wroxham to meet up with 30 members of our family to enjoy a day out on The Norfolk Broads to celebrate the Pearl (30 years) wedding anniversary of my cousin. What a wonderful day, beautiful weather, lots of larks (Shouty Grandad throwing water from his boat onto ours, me throwing bread onto his boat to make the seagulls and ducks dive-bomb them, Nanny even had a go at driving a boat!), lively children and terrific scenery. Thank you all for a memorable day. xxx

Game - Set and Match

OK, I'm going to crow, just for a minute.. Little Fink has been nominated to receive her school year's prize for Outstanding Achievement! Prize Giving on 13th July. How proud? Ok crowing over.

A beautiful afternoon, the sun shining, birds tweeting, wind blowing. 11 year old girl bouncing on her trampoline, proud Grandad standing by watching. "Come here Grandad." she says, offering her hand. "Not bloody likely!" says Shouty Grandad, "What are you up to?" I say, "Stick your tongue out dad." He does.
Quick as a flash, Little Fink stretches out her hand, pointed digit close to his mouth, an electric static spark shoots out the end of her finger and crackles as it shocks Shouty Grandad's tongue. Hilarity ensues. Another day at the funny farm.

ROFL (Roll On floor Laughing)

I popped round to Shouty Grandad and nanny's house today as Little Fink and I had not seen them for a few weeks.
Shouty Grandad and Nanny have been touring the country in their camper van for the last 3 weeks. Shouty Grandad was regaling us with tales of his bad behaviour/attitude while he was away, Nanny shaking her head knowingly. Stories I shall pass on in due course, of course!

Grandad reminded me of something that happened a few years ago while they were on their travels in the camper with Little Fink. For safety reasons, Little Fink travels in the front, with Grandad driving. Nanny sits on the 'jump seat' - a little single seat behind the front passenger. the trio were heading for the Falkirk wheel in the middle of Scotland, Little Fink was navigating/arguing for/with Shouty Grandad. Shouty Grandad was folling 'brown' information signs, Little Fink had spotted signs for The Wheel, she bet Shouty Grandad a fiver that he was going the wrong way. As she shouted good naturedly, "THAT WAY!", Shouty Grandad hung a left, Nanny shot off the jump seat and landed on the floor of the camper, as she reached out to save herself, she accidentally pushed the button/handle on the cutlery drawer which locks it shut during transit.

When they had stopped fighting over the directions, Little Fink and Shouty Grandad heard the pitiful squeaking coming from the back of the van, they found Nanny, rolling across the carpet with the contents of the knife drawer all around her!

(That was 4 years ago, Little Fink still hasn't had her fiver!"
No relatives were seriously injured during the making of this story.)

Shouty Grandad and the Garden Fork

Last week at sailing I met up with one of my neighbours, her daughter was also sailing. We got chatting and it transpired that a week or so before, some horrible 'sorts' had burgled her garden shed, various items were stolen.
It suddenly occurred to me, a couple of weeks ago, I had spotted a garden fork laying on top of the garages near our house. Fearing the local oiks would use it to stab holes in the tender garage roofs, I confiscated it. That Wednesday, when Shouty Grandad came round, I told him about the fork, he took a shine to it and carried it off home.
It seems the fork was stolen from my neighbour's shed. The question is, how do I get it back off Shouty Grandad?

Muvvers' Day

Nanny, Little Fink and Shouty Grandad catching crayfish.

Mothers' Day started with a lovely gift from Little Fink, a little light metal detecting with Nanny on her own exclusive field (it was a Victorian sewage works in 1881!), then all home for shepherd's pie cooked by Little Fink. After dinner we decided to go and walk off our dinner and throw in a bit of crayfish catching. One of my traps went missing last week so I've only been getting 3-4 a day. Nanny and Little Fink took a couple of crab nets (shaped like Supadrug shopping baskets) and a packet of bacon and caught 9 monsters. I with my high tech authorised and approved crayfish trap, caught - zero!

Great fun was had by all and we made it home before the heavens opened! 

Nine crayfish cooked and ready to be peeled, prior to joining their brethren in the freezer - nearly got enough for a feast!

Candles, Traps and the return of the Mercy Dash.

It's a picture taken in my parent's bathroom at the weekend. It's shows a hard skin scraper and a candle.
Nanny (my mum) lives with Shouty Grandad (my dad) so you can imagine I've seen some odd things in their bathroom from time to time! nanny looked at me with a straight face and said, once she'd taken the hard skin off her feet, she rubbed them with a candle which makes them nice and soft. ???? (Well how come she still needs the foot scraper then?)

Little Fink (11 yo daughter) and I replaced the crayfish traps in the local river on Tuesday, we'd tried to get permission to locate them at a more secluded spot but there was no one around to ask so we used our regular place. Wednesday, Nanny and I went to check on them and 1 trap was missing. It looks like the rain had swollen the river causing one trap to move with the water. It appears the anchor string broke and fell in the water allowing the trap to become beached on the shallow gravel. A branch had recently been broken of a nearby tree (just call me Miss Marple) so I surmise that someone took the branch and manoeuvred the trap out of the water and away. . However, the loss of the trap was almost worth it, just to see Nanny knee deep in the river searching for the missing trap wielding an extendible decorating pole with a big hook taped to the end. (3 crayfish in the remaining trap, killed, cooked and frozen)

On Sunday I had arranged to go metal detecting with Nanny, the fields our club has permission to dig on are about an hours drive away. Hold that thought......
Many years ago, I used to share a house with KT, we were young and daft, had parties and loads of fun. We encountered the phenomenon known to us as The Mercy Dash. This was generally accepted to refer to the urgent trip to the toilet required after a night on the beer - if you know what I mean. It's been 13 years since KT and I shared a house and I had forgotten about the fabled Mercy Dash.....until Sunday.
So imagine, if you will, me - we've been walking the fields for an hour, no loos for miles around, then suddenly it's Mercy Dash time. Oh boy did we get home quick! The downside of metal detecting.

8 Crayfish down! Hundreds to go.

Ok, so now I have caught 8 crayfish, eaten 3, 2 frozen ready for a feast and 3 in the freezer awaiting despatch. I'm really looking forward to cooking properly with these, although I have to admit, they do give me the heeby jeebys when they are alive and flapping their tails and claws!

Just spent a lovely afternoon with Shouty grandad and Nanny, rootling through old photos and listening to Shouty Grandad's antics with his recent bed purchase. He's currently waiting for a £50 'goodwill' gesture from the bed guy and 2 new beds to be delivered - Don't ask!

Eye's Right

Mr Fink update. He doesn't have a detached retina, which is good news, they don't have anything they can do to  improve the 'shadowing' he sees which is a shame but hey ho. He's off for another appointment in 6 weeks with a check up in 6 months. (Thank you for everyone's messages of concern.) xxx

Today my mum was asking me if our plumber was CORGI registered as their boiler was playing up (the central heating, not Shouty Grandad!). I said, No he wasn't but I'm sure someone local would be able to service it. Mum, with out batting an eyelid, came back with, "I don't think it needs a service, it needs a complete overall." I kid you not.

In other news, I broke my rule never to attempt cooking anything that doesn't go in the microwave today, I made a banoffe pie. Ginger-nuts on the bottom, evap. milk/butt and sugar caramel on top. I was too impatient to let it cool, took it out of the fridge too early not it looks less like a neat banoffee pie than a spreading banoffee cow-pat. (Tastes great though!)

What ever next?

Nanny and Shouty Grandad were playing with the metal detectors in their back garden. Nanny found a few odds and sods, nails and such. Grandad had a terrific signal and started to dig. when nanny looked out of the window, he had dug a hole about 2 feet square and twice as deep. He found - a 1970's frying pan. (Nanny has chucked it in the bin twice but it may make an appearance in the cupboard if Grandad gets his way!)

Today Shouty Grandad dropped Little Fink off after horse riding. He began to recount his latest tussle with commercial enterprises. He'd spotted an advert for a free copy of Which? magazine which would detail everything you need to know about retirement and pensions. Right up Grandad's street as he is fast approaching the age. He phoned the company who proceeded to try and flog him a 12 month subscription. Grandad started to run out of excuses not to take out the 'tie-in' when out of his mouth came the following. "I don't want the subscription, to be honest, I can't read. I only want the pensions book and my grandaughter has agreed to read it to me." He has no shame. (yes he did get the booklet)

Beer Fridge and Cadavers

The toilet seat fixings on Shouty Grandad's loo broke, so he repaired them with modified bolts and a bit of old bicycle inner-tube. When I visited, he had just completed the repair and this was the sight that greeted me. I said to him, "If you need 4 screwdrivers and a torch to go to the toilet, you need to go see a doctor!

This week Little Fink and I visited the local shop. I was standing in the queue when I heard an almighty crash come from the aisle where Little Fink was last seen. I rushed to the scene, to find Little Fink on her hands and knees, head down and crashed head first into the bottom of the beer fridge. She was fine but there was a massive dent in the fridge!

Shouty Grandad has been up to his old tricks again. He and Nanny were visiting a charity shop last week. Shouty Grandad fancied a sit down in the large leather sofa on display, he rested his head back and shut his eyes. Nanny browsed and finally returned to Shouty Grandad who was being closely observed by a concerned elderly lady. "Come on Grandad I'm ready to go now." Said Nanny. As Shouty Grandad came to and noticed the old lady, she mouthed quietly, "Thank God! I thought he was dead!"

Shouty Grandad has previous for this. Once, he was hoovering out the back seats and floor of the car, noticed how comfy the back seat was so laid back in the sun and fell asleep. The neighbour checked him 3 times before having the courage to pull on his legs. "Oh Shouty, I thought you were dead!" he told him afterwards.

Stop Press - Shouty Grandad interviewed by Police

This morning Shouty Grandad and Nanny joined me for a little gentle sloe picking. As Shouty Grandad and I enjoyed a hot cup of tea in the entrance to the field he said, "I got stopped by the Police last week, I didn't tell your mam."
Oh brother, the thoughts that ran through my head - his driving is notorious, he likes to save money on running repairs to his camper van so uses the brakes very infrequently. He often boasts that he has never had to buy new brake pads. So I had to admit to myself that I wasn't surprised.
However, as the tale unfolded it transpired that he was standing at the bus stop near Sainsbury's chatting to one of the regular old lady's who wait for the the bus, when a police car pulled up, a lady police officer got out and took Shouty Grandad to one side.
She asked him how long he'd been there (about 10 mins), where had he been? (Sainsbury's, hence shopping bags), had he been over the park at Verulamium? (to the swimming pool an hour before but not in the grounds).
She seemed satisfied with his answers, did a police check on his name and address, all clear. She then explained that he matched the description of someone they were looking for in the immediate area, the only discrepancy was the suspect was a 40 year old man. Shouty Grandad quipped, "Well love, if you think I look 40, you can put the cuffs on me now and take me away!"

What crime had the suspect, they were looking for, committed?

Indecent Exposure, (a flasher).

Holy Dawkins is there no end to Shouty Grandad's shame?