The Horns of a Dilemma

Snowdon field trip - circa 1983

And so it begins, the underlying feeling of panic and loss of control over one's destiny. the knots in the stomach, the inner monologue of excuses and reasoning. The drama? My senior school is having an anniversary celebration this afternoon and I have put my name down to attend. Nothing major, the current pupils playing live music, a tea party and tour of the school with some previous students.

I've been awake since 6am. I've talked myself out of going a hundred times, I've concocted several perfectly plausible excuses, I have work to do (true as I had to finish work early to return home to let Nelly in because she forgot her key). I need to visit my mum and dad (I haven't seen them all week), I have to go shopping (cat litter)..... and so on.

What am I afraid of? I'm scared of ridicule, I'm overweight and never have a snappy comeback when someone makes a comment. I'm scared of being judged for being fat. I'm worried I'll find myself on my own. I'm no good at small talk, I find it incredibly difficult to think of things to keep a conversation going with people I don't know very well.

The upside, I know a couple of my fellow ex-pupils very well and they are very supportive. I don't want to miss an opportunity to spend time with them because they are good people and I love them and their company.

These feelings are ridiculous. I can confidently walk into a pub on my own, order a drink and wait for my friends to arrive - one time I'd arranged a gentle night out with some people from my medical terminology class, one by one they called to say they couldn't make it. I didn't mind, I grabbed a newspaper a comfy sofa and had a lovely evening on my own.

Situations I avoid or that make me panic.
1. Try to speak the local language to a native. Psyching myself up to ask for some loo roll in Spain was a traumatic experience.
2. Speaking in front of a crowd - I know this is a common one, I have the utmost admiration for people that can do this with confidence.
3. Situations of conflict - my heart starts to race, I start to rehearse over and over, what I am going to say. my voice rises in pitch and speed until I sound like a Minnie mouse record on the wrong speed. i start to tremble and before i know it tears are forming in my eyes, not because i am scared or upset, but through frustration - at myself for showing signs of weakness at a time I really need to be show strength.

And yet sometimes I'll hear myself make a point and think, "Where the hell did THAT come from?" Last year at the summer Revels i found myself shouting/screeching at a dog owner whose animal was far to near the little children in our party. ?????? After she secured her dog and walked away I was shaking all over. 

I'm starting to ramble - another cup of tea, only 3 hours till the anniversary tea party.